I want you to know . . .

. . . I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life

. . . As a teenager I was hospitalized 11 times and one of the last notes in my medical file from that time indicates my prognosis was “poor”.

. . . that through my 20’s we experienced several life stressors including infertility but I was able to stay healthy

. . . when I don’t show up to group events it is because my anxiety has gotten the better of me and I can’t face everyone.

. . . I feel anxious making phone calls, even to close friends and family

. . . my husband knew these things about me and he still married me – I love him even more for this

. . . no matter how good my life is there are still times where I feel overwhelmingly sad and despondent

. . . some days I can’t make it out of bed

. . . I love my family fiercely and I hate that I worry and hurt them when I have to be hospitalized

. . . I know my family loves me. When I am at my worst I believe that everyone would be much better off without me.

. . . I am a champion at hiding my pain. I can be contemplating suicide while I smile at you as you tell me a story. My pain is so severe, I keep it stuffed deep inside of me.

. . . when I become deeply depressed there is very little my family or friends can do for me aside from being supportive and understanding

. . . I have made attempts at taking my life but thankfully it either never works or people find me and thwart my attempt. When I am feeling myself I am very thankful for these people and their actions.

. . . the last time I went into hospital I ended up staying for two months. I can’t even begin to explain that experience though at some point I will try.

. . . I see a Psychologist a couple of times a month and a Psychiatrist once a month. This is necessary to keep me healthy and out of the hospital.

. . . I take medications to try to keep me even keeled

. . . I desperately want to be happy,  I just don’t always know how

. . . I worry about being so candid but I have a stronger need to raise awareness and help others than to keep my story as a dirty little secret